All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
