Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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