you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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