This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
