he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
