Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
