i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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