There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
