you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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