so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
