I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
