i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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