brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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