this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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