Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
