Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
