I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
