the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
