dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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