I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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