I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
