ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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