I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
