I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
