New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
