When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
