Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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