I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
