I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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