if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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