I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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