I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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