im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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