Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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