I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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