This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
