the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
