I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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