can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
