you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
