That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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