there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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