Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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