FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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