Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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