Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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