Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
