yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
