I bet he comes in French.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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