You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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