Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
