am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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